So, on the Sunday of my booked shamanic healing experience, I woke up in some state of trepidation. I drew the curtains to find a pile of snow. Not what I’d been expecting. I wondered if there’d be more and if this was a sign I shouldn’t be going. I quickly dismissed this as fear and decided: any more later that day (appointment wasn’t until 3 pm) and I’d cancel (narrow, country roads+me+snow=possible disaster) but if it just stayed as it was, or melted any, I’d go. An hour before I needed to. To be on the safe (slooooooooow) side.
At 2:15pm I was on the (very clear) road.
Natasha, when she opened the door, had quick, searching eyes and a slightly nervy manner. Her dog was bouncy and eager and followed us to her healing space. Coat off, bag down, phone silenced, dog removed. We sat, face to face, for what I supposed would be my pre-treatment amble through ailments and such. The easiest way to share this is via a transcript of what took place:
Natasha: so, how did you find your journey here? I emailed you earlier to say you didn’t have to come if you didn’t want to drive in the snow. We could have rearranged.
Me: Oh! I didn’t receive that! How odd…
Natasha: Mmmmmmm. Ok, so, you heard about shamanism during meditation, is that right?
Me: yes. I feel that there may be something stuck which needs to go and now is the time for it.
Natasha: Shamanic healing is powerful. I can really help with deep rooted issues, yes. You said you were a Reiki healer?
Me: Yes. I qualified as a Master about a year ago. I’m just settling with that at present. I’ve been teaching lots of Yoga though! It tumbles in! Lovely to be able to share healing that way.
Natasha: (by now peering incredibly closely at me and ‘scanning’ me – I could feel it) yes, Yoga is important for you isn’t it? If we weren’t moving house I’d come along to a class! I bet you’re good….
My head felt very heavy and I could sense movement behind and around me, though I didn’t find it alarming in any way. Natasha had a very bright light at her throat. I kept looking about me for the source of it, for what was being shone at her, or reflecting off something in the room, but there was no source of it but her.
Me: Where are you moving to?
Natasha: we have family down south. Since the baby was born I miss being near them.
Me: Yes, babies change a lot don’t they? I live half an hour from my new nephew and often feel that’s not close enough! How long have you been a Shaman?
Natasha: forever! I inherited it from my Dad. He’s not so into it. He’s kind of hidden it from the world. It can make people uncomfortable. I just knew it was what I had to do. And here I am. Do you want some water?
Me: Lovely, thanks. (Water was cold, clear, crisp). Shall I get in the chair then?!
Natasha: (laughing) yes, if you’d like to. Are you warm enough? Just sit back and relax. You can ask me anything you like during the treatment. If I’m journeying though, or in a trance, don’t speak. If you go to sleep, that’s fine. Just do what you feel.
Me: (wondering how I’d tell if she was in a trance) ok
Natasha closed her eyes, so I did too. I’ve had numerous treatments and healings over the last few years so kind of expected I’d drift off to sleep and wake feeling something had happened and that I was ‘better’ and that we’d share our versions of events and I’d go on my merry way. She started to breathe deeply and drum on a tambour. Then she started to sing. Something sweet and unusual and in a language I don’t know. I opened one eye. She stopped singing and waved her hands over my body. She held a smudge stick (a bundle of dried sage) which she burned and wafted over me, like incense. So far, so normal. To me. I closed my eye.
Natasha: do you have a trauma in your solar plexus region?
Me: not that I can think of
Natasha: no old trauma which may be held here, physically?
Me: No. None. Um…….is this about an assault I experienced?
Natasha: No. It’s from childhood. To do with childhood?
Me: No. Nothing but good things happened in my childhood. Unless…..is it to do with before I was born?
Natasha: Yes. It’s to do with a past life. It’s to do with something in childhood in a past life. It troubles you now. You have a really strong guide with you…..I can’t quite make him out…..
Natasha: Yes, definitely male….
Me: Yes, I feel him around a lot. When you say you can’t….do you mean….? He’s not exactly malevolent, but he’ssometimes….kind of grumpy?!
Natasha: Yes! He’s….oh!….he’s not a guide….I don’t think…. no, don’t worry……OH MY GOD! (jumps back and looks scared)
Me: (really rather frightened and can feel a rushing of energy all around me) He’s not happy is he?
Natasha: No, it’s ok….he’s settling….he doesn’t want me too close, Jo, he doesn’t want me to take him away. (Pauses). I’m getting a brotherly feel from him……
Me: (starting to cry now) yes, I know….
Natasha: (hand on my arm) it’s time for him to go and he’s scared, he doesn’t want to leave you. You’ve been together eons and eons….he’s tired…..you’re tired…..you made a decision to stay together but it’s not working anymore….he can’t see that he needs to go because he doesn’t want to let you down…..he’s your…..he’s your…..
Me: (sobbing) ….he’s my twin.
Natasha: (also sobbing) ….he’s your twin
I think it’s important to insert some extra info at this point. My mum had a child before me, a boy, who died at full term for no apparent reason. ‘These things happen’ she was told. As a child, I always knew he’d come before me and I always, therefore, believed this male energy I sensed around me was to do with this knowledge, was a kind of imprint left on me from this other brother who hadn’t quite made it. There were a few odd moments, though, in childhood, where I would make statements which perturbed my parents somewhat. For example, at dinner one Sunday I blurted out, “wait! he’s not here yet…..”, convinced there was someone missing from the table and we were being rude in starting without him. In my teens I had a vivid dream that I was a boy. I started out a girl, dreamt I was brushing my hair and looking in my parents’ mirror, when subtly and slowly, my face altered and I became a boy in the reflection. My exact replica, but male. The dream switched and I was a boy in the bath. I looked down and started masturbating. I awoke, a bit confused, but knew what I’d felt was real, somehow. This was confirmed when I freaked my best, male, friend out as I described my dream down to the sensations I’d experienced in that male body. I asked my mum, again, some time in my teens, if, in fact, I was a twin and they had just never been brave enough to tell me that their first son died with me or because of me. She was confused, quite rightly, but assured me, no, he had been a single baby, as had I when I was born a few years later. In my first Reiki healing session, the healer told me there was ‘a lot of male energy around’ and that I had unresolved past life issues. I experienced the moment of my conception via a Reiki healing session, too, and my first feeling, the very instant I was created, was guilt. My dear friend, M, on first being attuned to Reiki, gave me some healing and commented ‘there is a deep, deep sense of sadness in your heart.’ I avoid women, tend to have male friends. My relationships are short lived. One, which carried me through my twenties in a rush of obsession and sex, but no real commitment on either side, had received a damning ‘you’re not compatible’ judgement from a male voice in my ear the last time we’d slept together. Literally. I had a voice in my ear tell me not to go on with this man. A jealous voice. What Natasha was saying, then, rang loud and clear and true, deep down in the pit of my soul. These things, thoughts, feelings, dreams, sensations which had been a part of me all my life, which sounded (sound!) mad to the open air, crazy when shared with others, were true. I just knew it. Like you know the wind is blowing and the rain is wet. It was innate.
Me: tell him it’s time to go. I’ve held him back enough. It’s ok. He can go.
Natasha began to blow and wave her smudge stick around. She sat with her eyes closed, muttering next to me as I relaxed back in the chair and closed my eyes, too. It all made sense. It made no sense at all, and yet it all made sense. I felt exhausted and elated and peaceful all at once.
Natasha: he wants me to tell you he loves you very much. He couldn’t incarnate. He simply couldn’t incarnate. Something went wrong, that’s all. He’s always been with you and he loves you. He’s kissing your head.
Me: (inside my head) just manifest somewhere else. I’ll see you when I get there. I love you .
The room was freezing at this point. Natasha offered me more water and I asked to use the loo. My legs were shaky and I could barely stand I felt so weak. I was giddy and giggly and couldn’t stop laughing. I felt elated and on a high.
Natasha: steady! take it steady. You need to let this settle. Are you ok? That was big! I didn’t expect that today!
Me: no…..I kind of thought you’d tell me some stuff about work!
Natasha: when you first came in I could see this, what I thought was, Guide, behind you and I thought then, he’s a bit close. He kept trying to hide I think. He was so merged with your energy! He really didn’t want me to see. He came on a bit strong when I recognised him for what he was…..but you’re quite right, he wasn’t bad in any way, he just couldn’t leave you.
Me: (post toilet, back on the chair) I feel so high! I’m all giggly! There are lots of people watching! I can feel them.
Natasha: Yes. They’re all egging you on! there’s still more to do. When a part of you has been in trauma, and your soul definitely has been, there’s a piece missing. It takes itself away to avoid the hurt, which is good, but sometimes it gets stuck, like now. We need to retrieve it and put it back.
Me: (laughing) will it hurt?
Natasha: No! Just relax. I need to call in my spirit teacher.
Now, this was where the experience felt a lot more like what I’m used to, healing sessions wise. I drifted off into a partial sleep and felt the energies around me start to swirl and pull. I sensed Guides and Sprit all around me (I was freeeeeeeeeezing at this point, despite the heating and blankets) and, despite my closed eyes and relaxed state (or maybe because of them!) I could ‘see’ very clearly, an old woman moving around the chair, waving what looked like grey silks, but on closer inspection was smoke and ribbons and ribbons of it at that. My head was tight (my way of knowing I’m ‘connecting’) and I felt calm and relaxed. There was a bit of a rush, nothing dramatic, and I saw a huge stag, and then Natasha was drumming a bit more and waving a feather. I came to and hugged her. When I asked if she has an old Native American Indian woman as her guide she smiled and said yes, that was her spirit teacher, and he/she manifested several ways, but was always a Native American.
Me: I don’t know how to say thank you for this. I’ve brought £xxxxxxx to pay you, but I think I need to double it…..
Natasha: give what you can. That’s absolutely fine. How do you feel? You need grounding I think!
Me: I’m so light! I feel massive, too! My energy field is huge it’s like I’m brand new!
Natasha: you are. I’ve never done that before! That part of your soul has never been incarnated before! There was a pact, I think, pre birth, with your brother. He couldn’t reach you in time, or something went wrong……he got stuck. It was all about love, though. He loved you so much. It was huge.
She started rubbing my arms and legs, trying to ground me.
Me: hang on….I know what I need to do: tree! (I hopped up on one leg and stood in tree pose for a bit)
Natasha: thank you for coming to me. Thank you for sharing this experience with me. It was very humbling. You followed your guidance and not many do that. You absolutely needed to do it. It was an honour to help you. I saw him as…..
Natasha: (smiling lots) yes! dark, very curly hair. Italian!
I was conceived in Italy. The man I mentioned before, the one I was in love with my whole young adult life was dark with very curly hair. Little things, but all part of the stitching of it.
Natasha: This crystal is for you. when I do a soul retrieval, I hold it, so any loose strings, any dust from the retrieval can collect on it. It’s for you. Take it away and in moments when you forget, hold it and it will remind you. You have a beautiful soul. You are a Natural healer.
We hugged. I paid her. I told her about Archangel Zadkiel being a strong presence for me lately. She said she’d seen an Angel in the soul separation, that she thought it had been Archangel Michael, with his sword, who had separated us. We talked some more about this and that, not wanting it to end, but knowing it had. She warned me the next thirty days could be tricky. That I might be a bit ‘up and down’ but that being gentle was what I needed. To treat myself like a baby. Because I was! Part of me was brand new and I needed to teach it how to go steady on the Earth.
I drove home.
And now…..? Well, it’s the end of week one for this new bit of soul and, so far, so good. There is a strange background sensation of something being gone. An emptiness of sorts, but not in a bad way. I am alone, but not quite lonely. I have this inner sense of excitement and hope which wasn’t there before. I am contented in a way I’ve never experienced. Life still throws curve balls: a bill needs paying, work needs attending to, a friend is being a pain in the backside…..yet none of it really matters. We say it a lot, don’t we, as a mantra, but I feel it now. It’s not just words.
And my brother?
Today I wrote to him.
And you’re reading what I wrote.
In love, in light, Amen.